"Who says I can't be free? From all of the things I used to be... Rewrite my history..Who says I can't be free?" - John Mayer
I think I have always lived life in phases. The phase of innocence, the phase of discovery, the phase of taking risks....the phase of doing it all. There came a phase when I realized my investment of faith and love in some people I held real close to my heart was just a farce. My childhood friend bitched about me - it hurt. It hurt to see she had a second face. She bitched about me with a friend who has known me so close and well - so it hurt more. But that's the thing about me : I have always held too many people too close, going out of the way for the world. And to finally decide that this was it - was a bit tough. Dented, not broken yet though.
I felt like running to another friend and crying - but I knew better; this wasn't a time to cry - it was a time to pick up some pieces around, and recycle them into something beautiful. Something that would be permanent - would stay. Illusion again, but then what's the harm in hoping? And I wasn't alone in picking pieces-- luckily, I never am. I had the Mouse, my very loving & caring guy, some other friends and my parents. Didn't really need anyone else.
For a day or two, I told myself I will change - not trust too much, tread careful --- but I was definitely kidding myself. The inherent nature of someone does not change. Ever. And neither can mine I suppose. I will always allow people close. Trust them, and take the risk.
The People's Project has always been my dream : only, I wasn't too clear on it. The other day I spoke to someone - and it felt bloody odd to say "its an independent project" --- but it felt good. It felt true. After two and a half years - there is clarity. We all make mistakes. Some of us learn.
I tag myself as Misunderstood. All the time. Somehow today I realize, I cannot give that tag to myself, for I know me, I know my intentions, and it does not matter what another person thinks.
I would have preferred a low-profile life, but turns out I don't get that. Too bad or too good - I don't know.
My decisions I know have some bearing on other people's life - but I feel it today : Who says I can't be free? I mean yes, I can move on to a new chapter of life with a blink of an eye, and nobody dared challenged that.
I am free today - from all the things expected of me, by anyone. Free from the responsibilities I had towards people. Free from the labels attached. Free from the attachments itself. Free from dialogue. Free. Just free. This blog is an example. I am perhaps not expected to write what I am in this post because I am expected to write fun, crazy, arty stuff. Who says that again? And I feel so happy that I can fly :)
These are just little pieces of experience, that someday I will tell my grandkids. After all, like Mr. Roberts said in the famous Shantaram : If Life didn't make you laugh, you just didn't get the joke!
Walking against the wind has never been so much fun
Than today, when the time you know that there's no destination to the journey.
There's a lot of love around, and I will pick it up as I go
Towards the place where love is all you need
Towards the being you want to be.
The night has been long. But the day is going to last longer.